My Wave of Life Podcast
Making waves in your life? In "My Wave of Life" Podcast hosted by Rebekah Zarate. She is ready to talk about her life experiences. From being an only child to becoming a big sister. Relationships between her parents, family and friends. Seeking a closer relationship with her faith. Having depression and anxiety through her everyday life hoping her stories will help so many people overcome their current situation. Since she has already lived it or living through it. Subscribe to ride the wave every Tuesday!
My Wave of Life Podcast
The Light of Faith Among the Shadows of Mourning
Navigating through the stormy seas of grief, I invite you to join me on a deeply personal odyssey that intertwines sorrow with the resilient threads of faith. When the unthinkable happened and a dear friend's bright future was cut short by a tragic accident, the aftershocks resonated through my world, igniting a quest for solace and understanding. This episode is an intimate reflection on the loss of a beloved friend, an inspiring young woman who, despite a challenging upbringing and health battles, was determined to impact the world as a social worker. Her unfulfilled dreams and the complexities of grappling with guilt form the core of my candid conversation, as I seek out reasons to praise even when life's tempest rages fiercest.
As I lay bare the emotional tapestry of mourning and resilience, you'll hear how passages from the Bible, particularly the story of Job and comforting verses like those found in 2 Corinthians 1:4, became a beacon during the darkest nights of my soul. This episode isn't just about sharing my journey; it's about the collective experience of healing through shared narratives and offering the comfort we've been given to those adrift in their own sea of sorrow. Walk with me through these chapters of grief and growth, and may you find, as I have, that even in the bleakest of times, there's a guiding light leading us toward purpose, compassion, and the promise of restoration. Join the conversation and let's discover together how the trials of today can forge a stronger, more empathetic spirit for tomorrow.
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Hey guys, welcome back to an all new episode of MyWaveOfLife. I'm your host, rebecca, and this week, this episode is kind of something that has been very heavy on my heart and on my mind and on my shoulders and I just feel like I am being drawn to talk about this moment that happened in my life. I feel like it's very important to share and to talk about. I plan on trying to not cry on this whole episode, but I don't guarantee it, so bear with me. So I started. I'm doing a bible study every single day by myself, and it's on a book. I don't know if you guys know about it, but it's the bible recap and it's 365 days and you'll read the whole entire bible, and so I'm challenging myself to actually complete it, and I'm on today's day 4, so I want to, really I want to learn about the bible. So and I really want to understand it and so far, so good. I am understanding it more than I did when I did read the bible. I just did a couple of books within the bible and I'm going through that process and that journey, and I came across also a planner that I purchased on Amazon and I will link that planner on the bottom for you guys to check it out, because this is like for me, in my opinion, is an incredible book and planner to have if you are trying to dedicate your life and you are just getting back into your faith. They even have weekly devotionals and they also have the Sunday sermon notes and they also have this like with the weekly devotional and underneath it it has like a verse and then it explains what the verse is about and then it also gives you a question and this question for this week it has brought back memories for myself. I just felt so anxious talking about this. I don't know why, like I don't know what's holding me back for talking about this like this is like so hard, knowing that this is so hard to talk about. I know it needs to be done because it's something that I have been, I guess, holding on for a very long time, I guess, and it's very difficult to talk about it. So that's how I know it's something that I need to talk about. You know what it says is praise him in the storm. Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped Job, chapter 1, verse 20. When a great wind came and struck Job's house. It killed all of his children. He lost everything. He went through something so unimaginable. Yet in the midst of the devastation, job still found a reason to worship the Lord. Question that it has have you gone through something devastating or are you going through a recent loss? Write a few reasons to still praise him in the midst of it.
Speaker 1:Even though I did not lose this friend recently, I did lose her very suddenly and it took all of us by surprise. It wasn't something that I could ever imagine. What have happened and did I mention so tragically because it was pretty, pretty bad and to lose somebody, to lose somebody so young and so close to me and at a very young age. I really it's one of those things like you don't know that life is so short at that time and I never really had somebody that passed away so young and so close to me and I know that was probably naive when I was that age and like a lot of people are, and we really don't realize that life is really really, really short and tomorrow is never promised. It just really took me by surprise and, I believe, everybody else, because it was just one of those things that really hit home.
Speaker 1:So, my friend, I lost her when we were out of high school, given it was only like three years out of high school, but we're still navigating through life and at that time, I believe I was working and going to school and I know that she was going to school as well and I was very, very proud of her to be going back to school and and she knew exactly what she wanted to do when she wanted to be a social worker. She had a rough like childhood and like and everything was going against her and Going through what she went through really made her stronger and it made me stronger to see her go through those things because it's like whoa. She had a A lot of medical issues that happened with her as well and I was there for some things and I did have to take care of her sometimes and and I knew what the conditions were and stuff. So like, just like Reminiscing just really really sucks because, like you think about those Times and like you know the hallways and the things that you talk about and you know as friends, you know so. So she went to college and she knew what she wanted to do and I was so proud of her because you know she did not like going to school and she did not like doing her homework or or anything, and, yeah, it was pulling teeth with her when it was time for school and classes and stuff, and If you knew her, you know. So this next part is a very hard disclaimer. Now I don't want anybody to be triggered by this. So if you do get triggers or any of those kinds, now is the time to just turn off the podcast because I will be talking about some things that are very tragic and have to do with an accident and A car accident. So disclaimer is advice and warning To things that I will be talking about moving forward.
Speaker 1:I knew I couldn't do anything to prevent what, what was about to happen. I knew I couldn't project of what could happen or what was going to happen or I don't know, but I feel like I could have done something. I feel like I've always had that guilt that I could have done something. She had a boyfriend and this boyfriend was I think he was in jail or in juvie or Something I don't even remember or some type of house arrest or something I don't know what it was and I knew she was writing letters to him and I knew that they were broken up before that and she still wanted to be in contact with him and you know that was her, everything like she really, really loved him and it was somebody that was there for her and she was ride or die type of girl and she was just the loyalist person I've ever known. And so for her to Keep going with this person that knew was not really good for her but still she loved him and I I Still feel like I could have said no, like what are you doing? Like you know you deserve better. You know the whole chibill of you know being a not even trying to be a good friend but just trying to open the person's eyes. But Fortunately you can't do that, you know. And so even if I didn't try, or Pretty sure I did say something I don't remember, but for some reason, obviously I knew she was gonna go back to him, even though she said she was just friends with him or Whatever the case, maybe she was contacting him and being pen pals with him. So you know, I knew that was gonna happen, you know.
Speaker 1:So we did lose contact for a while and I think it was within the year of not talking to one another. It wasn't something that you know. Just life got in the way and, and I regret that, life got in the way of not talking to her and not Hanging out with her and her birthday was in January, just like mine. So we shared that in common and, yeah, we had a great time at our birthday party and it was. It was pretty cool. It was like a like a high school reunion, you know, with all the people that we knew and it was it was pretty cool.
Speaker 1:And then in March, when she passed away and it was exactly to the dates of her actual birthday as well, I, two months after on the dot, we lost her and that was. That was pretty devastating. Um, I didn't really believe my family when they told me and I Rushed to her other friend that lived by me and I told her about the news and and that was like really devastating to watch, like they were not in good terms and it just killed her to not Be there for her or Not be on good terms with her. And I knew that. I knew that she needed somebody to be there with her If somebody did break the news to her. So, basically, what had happened? Was she, her boyfriend at the time, the same person she was writing to her ex-boyfriend boyfriend, the same one Ended up getting a motorcycle and, allegedly he didn't have a license for a motorcycle had her writing in the back of the motorcycle. He went to go pick her up from school and this is like so hard, like it's so upsetting, so he wanted to. Allegedly this is what I heard he ended up going to the shoulder and trying to pass a big rake and he lost control of the motorcycle and they both fell off the motorcycle and they were both crushed by a big rake.
Speaker 1:Like I literally had no words on to what's like how did, how did how like what's like that's, that's crazy, like what's so, so tragic, and it's like something Keeps like eating at me for not speaking up or not Saying something and even if, like I know she's so stubborn and she knew she was not gonna, you know, give to, you know whatever is of what I thought you know and so, but I still, I still beat myself, beat myself up for it and till this day, and it's been, it's been literally 11 years. My gosh, I can't even believe it. Well, that's crazy. It's been 11 years and I still Feel some type of way about it. I feel like I could have done something, could have Prevented her death in some way, could have Shoot he was not in her life, she would not be in that situation. Put in that situation, it just really upset me to know that her death could have been prevented. But I know that, you know I was. I was pretty mad at God, I was pretty upset.
Speaker 1:I was like how can you take this person, like this person's life away, like she went through so much, she has gone through so much, she has witnessed so much, she's had to accomplish so much. Against her, she had to fight her way through stuff, like it. It was just unbelievable. Like she had so much strength and so much she was so resilient. I Just I just couldn't believe that that was our reality, because it wasn't just me that was infected and it was like our whole entire Class in a way, and it was just whoever knew her knew her and she just she just didn't stick to one click. She was everywhere, she knew everybody. Um, yeah it. It affected all of us and and I know some people might feel the same way as me and you know, could have took her and been like Shaking her and been like, hey, like this person is not good for you, you know, like what are you doing? So the wrong thing that is, her crazy princess started sort of Podding me outside where she's at, so, actually, because she didn't have any or her body could be infected, because it wasn't just a Bomb she was in, she was in the hospital.
Speaker 1:I think it was her, but I'm not sure that's, because I mean knowing what happened to her and then going through the process of like burying her and I don't know what type. I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was an aviuing, it wasn't, it was just something that we needed to go to and it was in the community center next to our high school and like, obviously it was there to like, you know, celebrate her and stuff like that. But there was also like a moment where, like there was a woman that was there for her last, for her last breaths, and I don't think it was appropriate for her to be there and like to talk about those last moments, because it was pretty like vile, it was pretty like horrible to like really really know what what happened and it really sucked to actually know what she said at her last breaths and stuff like that, and it was just like really, really bad and, to be honest, like I couldn't have done without that, you know. But I'm kind of glad that I knew that she wasn't alone in the last moments, but it was pretty horrific.
Speaker 1:After that. It was just, like I said, a downward spiral. Things like went through my mind of like why? Like why her? We had a lot of things that we wanted to accomplish. She was there for a lot of things of my life. Yeah, like we would talk about like our like future kids and how you know her being married and I am being married and like like we're gonna be friends forever, like like how would that look? Like after high school and like a lot, of, a lot of good things that we talked about, you know. And just like, like I always said, I was really, really mad at God and didn't know why she had a lot to live for. She finally knew. She finally knew what she wanted to do. Like literally, she finally knew and she wanted to go to school and she wanted to better her education and better herself and she would have been a great social worker. Like, literally, she had the experience of her own life and the way she was brought up and and she would have been super great at it and she would have helped a lot of people.
Speaker 1:For me, I literally gave up on school and not trying to blame her for me not completing school and not having that being excused because that's stupid, but, um, but that's really ridiculous. Like I'm not gonna blame her for that, but I just felt like what's the point if you're just gonna like die soon, like if you're just gonna lie, this life is not promised tomorrow. You know, like what's the point and that's what my model, like what I was thinking the whole entire time I was going to class and be like why am I coming here? For, like my friend just passed away, like she was going to school and then, bam, like one day from another and she doesn't have to go to school anymore and her life is over, you know, and it's just like why am I gonna continue going to school, doing this? Like I'm just gonna live life, I'm just gonna start working and forget this, and like I was just kind of just like waiting to like, like to die, I guess, like I don't know, like of course, like tomorrow's not promised, but like for a while there I was just trying to be like it's today gonna be the day because it was for her for that day. So like I felt like that's how, how I was thinking back then and it's pretty much like torment, tormenting myself or what could happen. And I'm pretty much I'm pretty sure people think like this too but like to be an actual fear of it, like what if it's gonna happen today, you know, and like like you don't know, and that's like the scariest thing ever.
Speaker 1:And I brought a lot of fear into my life after that and I think it just really, really consumed me after that incident and and you would think like all I'm gonna live every day to the fullest, like every single day that she's not here because she can't enjoy being on earth with us, like I'm gonna enjoy every single day that I have. And for me, I just let fear consume me and like, is this the day I'm gonna go? I'm not gonna live, I'm not gonna live for long, so why even bother? Was my attitude and that's horrible to think about, not that I was suicidal or anything like that, but it was just like gosh just gonna take me and I'm not like what's, I'm just gonna live life and like not go to school. I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking back then and maybe I've always I've always thought that like the shoe was gonna drop and I'm just gonna drop dead, you know.
Speaker 1:So it's just like maybe maybe not living to my full potential, or how people say, like you're only here for a purpose and once you find your purpose, then that's it, let you go and you leave. God calls you home. Like that's what also I was thinking. And it's like, okay, what if I do accomplish things that I was set to be here for? And I go like I don't want to do that, I don't want to go. Yet you know like let's, let's not do that, let's, let's prevent that from happening and not accomplish the things I'm here for. You know, yeah, I know I talked a lot to myself and talked myself out of a lot of things and talked myself into a lot of things of like self-doubt and self sabotaging, and yeah, I was a lot of that.
Speaker 1:And Would she be happy that I was doing that? Nope, she would be like, what are you doing? You're here on earth, like Live life to the fullest, like I'm at peace I know she's at peace like I don't feel any type of unsettled with her and even though it was a very traumatic situation that happened and it will always be a part of my life of what happened to my friend, but I've always known she was at peace and, to be honest, like I Knew she loved him very, very deeply and I Know for a fact he would be so sorry for putting her in that situation and I know that because of the person he was and how he loves her too. I Know he never wanted to put her in danger like that but he did. But I know, I Know he loves her too much to to have it be on purpose. You know I know it was an accident, so but it still angers me that like he was so careless, you know, but his family lost him too and that's not fair for his family to go through things and people talking about their family members. And I know how he was with her and I know the love that came from that and I will always Picture that. You know, I will always picture the love that he had for her and I won't see any other way, because To me, and to answer the question Right, a few reasons to still praise him in the midst of it, like he took both of them and he knew that they loved each other and Maybe that was their destiny and define each other again.
Speaker 1:And I have to accept his plan. You know, did I like his plan? Nope, I do not like his plan. But, um, has it taught me a lot of things? Yes, it has. Is there a lot more things to be learned? Yes, should I do things differently? Yes, I Should have done things differently in my past. Yes, that I regret in myself and how I Didn't get that Degree because of self-doubt in me, and not because of her, not because of the situation, but because of me and my feelings and how I was feeling. But things happen for a reason and God always has a plan right. Yes, he does, and I'm not gonna doubt his plan because I have to believe in his plan and what he has in store for us and If that tragedy needed to happen for anybody in her family to To learn something, is she made that happen and I guess that's a blessing and disguised, you know.
Speaker 1:Well, I just got really, really deep there. Yeah, I was pretty much something that I needed to Talk about and I haven't really talked about it to anybody. Actually, I Think I've always had it close and dear to my heart, all the emotions, all everything. And I Will not tell you that. I will not cry if I ever tell the story again because, like you know, it's something that is embedded in my head. And to know what actually happened to her and to know Certain things, it just really stays with you for a very long time and it makes you stronger and it makes you very Humble of what you have in life. It's hard to lose a friend period, but she was here for a good time and she impacted a lot of people. She made her mark on this world. I'm very proud of her and what she has accomplished. She still is because we all think of her no matter what, and we will continue to think about her, will continue to say prayers for her, and I know she's a piece. So thank you for bearing with me through this podcast episode, because that was a lot Like always.
Speaker 1:I will end this in a Bible verse, but I have so many Bible verses that I want to say but okay, so I actually have three Bible verses, so I will say the Bible verse and then give like a little little saying of what it means on the bottom of it. So from Lamentations, chapter 3, verse 20 through 23, I will never forget this awful time as I grief over my loss, yet I still dare to hope when I remember this. The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never sees. Great is his faithfulness. His mercies begin afresh each morning.
Speaker 1:Grief can renew your hope in God. In your grief, hang on to the knowledge that the faithful love of the Lord never ends. Second verse is Psalms, chapter 30, verse 11 through 12. You have turned my morning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy that I might sing praises to you and not be silenced. Oh Lord, my God, I will give you thanks forever. Grief can lead to a time of praise and thanksgiving to God.
Speaker 1:The third Bible verse is to Corinthians, chapter 1, verse 4. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others when they are troubled. We will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. Your grief can give you the ability to better comfort others. Grief is a teacher that helps you learn compassion for others who are grieving.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so those Bible verses are pretty awesome, so I will leave you guys there, hope I didn't ramble too much and hope I help somebody who's grieving at the moment or who has been grieving for a very long time, like myself, and I really need to forgive myself and to give me mercy and to give me grace and not to hold on to the way I'm feeling anymore. It has been 11 years and I didn't really notice that it has been that many years. It feels like it was just yesterday. So, yeah, there's things that I need to work on clearly, so I will leave you guys there. Thank you guys so much for listening to another episode of my wave of life. I am your host, rebecca, and we will see you guys next Tuesday with an all new episode. Have a great day, guys.